I’ve been teaching women’s self-defense courses since the late 90’s. My courses have evolved over the years moving from heavy physical defense content to more awareness and prevention content. I was noticing a trend of ladies taking one course and then never training again. It worried me that I was giving these women a false sense of security, believing they can perform these physical defenses despite only briefly training them. Despite my pleas during the course telling them they need to continue to practice regularly, it just wasn’t happening.

As I made my adjustments and provided more awareness and prevention content to the program, I noticed the boredom level of the class escalated, and therefore added some more physical content back in. Over the years, the attendance for these classes have been abysmal at best. I’ve adjusted the cost, even doing it for free, as well as adjusting length of the course or spreading it out over multiple classes. Unfortunately, nothing I’ve done has improved attendance for these classes.

Participants have expressed their love of the classes and how much they’ve learned from it, but nonetheless, I’ve never felt it was as successful as it could be. I was also confused as to why so few women turn out to these courses. We hear the grotesque stats every day about how often women are assaulted or harassed or taken advantage of. Yet, it’s a struggle to reach these ladies and teach them how to combat these stats and feel more empowered.

A few years back, I attempted to reach out to women’s shelters, among other organizations that help abused women and children. To my astonishment, most rejected my efforts to teach their staff or visitors, even when offered for free. When I asked why they would turn down an offer, I was given a confusing answer at the time of, “We don’t want these women to feel like it’s their fault these things have happened to them, and therefore not their responsibility to learn self-protection.” I was stunned. I couldn’t believe someone would turn down options to help improve their life and prevent further abuse and harassment. I all but gave up trying.

That response stuck in my head and began turning the hamster wheel I loosely call a brain. As frustrated and perplexed as I was that someone would turn down free efforts to improve people’s lives, I couldn’t help but agree with their reasoning. This was not their fault, it was the abuser (the men) that created the issue. Therefore, why is it not the men that should be trained? This thought persisted…

Recall the last romantic love story you read or watched. The guy pined over the woman. The woman didn’t recognize or want the man at the onset of the story. The guy persisted and eventually won over the woman. They are now living happily ever after. Sounds great, right? Except that these aren’t love stories, they’re handbooks on how to be a stalker…and win.

Our culture in this country (I’m sure it’s elsewhere, but I haven’t lived elsewhere) is horrific when it comes to the courtship, relationships and general interaction between men and women. For men, we are taught not to take, “No” for an answer and to be that aggressive Alpha Male who takes what they want rather than accepting failure and moving on. We’re taught that giving compliments and saying, “I love you” is how you get what you want from a women….rather than saying it because you believe it.

Women are taught to “give chase” and not show interest right away to make the guy figuratively jump through hoops to win over the women…further solidifying our understanding that the word, “No” is only temporary. We’re taught to follow our hearts! ….except that we misunderstand what our “heart” is saying and sometimes misinterpret the guts yelling out of, “Run away! Be fearful!” as the hearts “this is love!”.

We’re taught that men have a role and women have their role. In the not so distant past, a marriage wasn’t so much of an equal loving relationship as it was an ownership of a women by a man. Thankfully, some of these things have evolved over the years, usually due to necessity or lack thereof. For instance, my family used to have dinner at my grandmother’s house when I was younger for all of the major holidays. I recall her stating that years ago, the women would cook the meals, then call the men in to eat and serve them while not eating themselves until after the men were done. They would then clean the table and do the dishes and the men just ate. While this sounds horrifically sexist and wrong, there was a necessity for it. The men were out working on the farm all day long while the women kept the house. This was the most efficient way to live and work at the time for them. When the farm was sold, this tradition mostly ended. My grandmother still did most all of the cooking, but occasionally the men would help out, the kids would set the table and we would all enjoy dinner together, then both the men and the women would clean up. It became more efficient to do it this way now, hence the change.

Unfortunately, our culture has held on to many traditions like this and others, even though it’s not efficient, needed or even desired…and in some cases, dreadfully damaging to us all. That’s tradition for you though, it remains the same until someone realizes it’s not needed anymore. Then comes the task of convincing everyone it’s not needed. Then the act of changing. That’s an excruciatingly slow, tough process and there will always be holdouts that refuse to change. However, until we recognize both the problem and the solution, there is no change at all. We’re at the point in our history where we recognize the problem…but seemingly no one with a voice has the answer. A lot of talking…but no real action behind anything aside from anger and retaliation. Those with the answer rarely have a loud voice to be heard.

You may have noticed throughout reading this article that I’ve been stating “men” as the abusers and not “women”. Obviously, women can also be the abuser. I’ve been a “victim” of harassment from women in the past. I’ve had women grab me without my permission in sexual ways or make uncomfortable statements. However, there is a serious difference that must be understood, specifically when it comes to harassment. At no point have I ever felt like my life or job was threatened or that I was completely out of control. Essentially, there was no fear involved, only discomfort. That is a HUGE difference between the two scenarios. I’ve heard far too many stories from women in my classes and courses over the years that have suffered that fear from harassment, stalking, mental and physical abuse. This fear has affected their lives in negative ways and lingers on well after the initial abuse. While that’s not to say it’s never a two way street, the vast majority of the time, men don’t have that same sense of fear when these issues come up. No fear, no ongoing stress from it, no change of our behavior to avoid future harassment.

We have to recognize the difference when the exact same scenarios are placed on different people. I, as a straight white male, have never felt fearful just because of who I am, what I’m wearing or what I look like or who I’m attracted to. It’s simply not a two way street when it comes to harassment. Actual abuse, on the other hand, goes both ways and something that should not be overlooked, or taken lightly, when it comes to women being abusive towards men. However, it’s simply not the epidemic that it is the other way around involving men abusing women.

So what are we to do? We can keep beating our heads against the wall doing the same thing that’s never worked in the past and keep seeing the exact same pathetic results as it doesn’t actually solve the problem. Or we can demand a cultural change that will be fought tooth and nail for many years, but can be fought by each one of us right here, right now, without government or police involvement.

In recent years I’ve opened many of my self-defense seminars up to men and women, rather than just women. I’ve addressed men directly in these classes, explaining they need to change. To no surprise at all to me, most had no idea they were creating such unfortunate circumstances due to their actions. In regards to this teaching men how to act, I’ve been somewhat vocal to anyone willing to listen about my dislike of how we educate our youth. There’s this assumption that basic life skills, such as courtesy, integrity, how to (insert any basic skill all should know, such as cooking or changing a tire) are taught in the home and not the schools responsibility. I get it. It SHOULD be that way. The fact is though, it rarely is. There is a complete lack of life skills being taught to youth these days. I teach it in my youth classes, in regards to behavior and personal responsibility, but I seem to be the only one if it’s not taught at home. I feel strongly that human interaction and general life skills should be taught in our schools.

Teaching a child how to be respectful towards each other and how to properly court someone you’re interested in would have a dramatically positive impact on our society and lower these horrific cases of harassment, abuse and even bullying. Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely for that to happen anytime soon and we can’t wait for someone else to get it done. So, it’s on us to make these changes. While I can’t list and explain everything that needs to be addressed and changed, I can give a few examples of what I go over in my self-defense courses that will provide a general idea of what needs to be adjusted, but understand this is just the tip of the iceberg of what needs to be understood and changed. If you would like to see a larger list of the what is listed below and read a great book on awareness and prevention, read the book, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker.

Refusing to accept rejection and/or discounting the word, “No”

This is one of, if not the biggest, issues on the list. We’ve been taught all of our lives that, “No” is just the start of a negotiation. Both in relationships and in business. In relationships, or attempts at them, we are taught to change that, “No” to a, “Yes” rather than to accept it. This holds true in business as well. Every business book I’ve ever read and every business seminar I’ve attended and every business meeting/training class I’ve ever been in has stated very clearly that, “No” is not an acceptable answer. You must find why the word is currently, “No” and how to give a counter argument to change it to a, “Yes”.

The same tactics used in business are being applied to manipulating relationships. This is why I say it’s a cultural thing, it’s everywhere! Understand that part of this issue is the other side of this…we have a tendency to say no to things out of a reactionary response rather than it being truly our answer as we know it’s a negotiation. Which leads me to ask the chicken or the egg question, which came first? Us saying No, leading businesses to learn how to combat it, or people simply not accepting the word no and us accepting the fact that it’s negotiable?

He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner

While this one should be obvious to both men and women, I’m constantly surprised how many men don’t know what they are doing is considered stalking. While I don’t want to incriminate a friend, I did have someone bring to my attention in the past that a friend of mine was stalking his EX. When it was brought to his attention, he was shocked to know what he was doing was wrong and immediately stopped. So how do we know the difference between stalking someone and simply ogling someone from afar? It’s fairly straight forward, being infatuated with someone from afar is temporary until you get up the nerve to talk to person. Stalking is long term and involves planning and scheduling times to encounter the desired person…even when they’ve stated or suggested it makes them uncomfortable. Another example of inappropriately surveilling a partner involves perusing through personal stuff such as emails, texts, journals and anything else that one would consider to be private. The only acceptable reason to search through this stuff is when the person gives you permission.

He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise

No one likes a person who is close-minded and unwilling to recognize their own faults. Look at things from the other person’s point of view for starters. Listen to what others are telling you and accept that this inflexibility is hurting both you and others. So few people know how to actually listen these days. Instead, we wait until it’s our turn to talk. This must change.

He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in news or movies. He believes the violence of others is justified

Men, much more so than women, have this tendency to try and act tough and popularize violence. This too is very much a cultural thing, and it seems to be growing. I don’t know if it’s because they think it’s cool or because they feel its taboo or if they, for some reason, really enjoy violence. I honestly don’t know what it is, but it needs to be understood as I feel it’s the reason that so many (maybe all?) mass shootings are performed by men (I use that term, “men” loosely…very loosely). The growing number of people that sympathize with former or current dictators of the world and violent story book characters is alarming and needs to be addressed and better understood. Ask yourself, is this you? If so, ask why. I can’t imagine how worried or fearful your friends, spouse or significant other would be if they heard you saying that killing other people is a good thing…

He consistently blames others for problems of his own making; he refuses to take responsibility for the results of his actions

If you haven’t already done so, read my previous article, “The Blame Game”. This constant blaming of others for your own faults and failures is a quick way to alienate yourself and send you down a road that could result in your abuse towards others you deem as the ones to blame. While this issue alone doesn’t lead directly to harassment or abuse, being coupled with the previous issue of justifying violent behavior is a recipe for disaster.

Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons

We get it, you love the 2nd amendment and love your guns! But do you really need to tell EVERYONE about it? I see nothing wrong with owning a gun or any other weapon, I highly recommend it if you are highly trained, but when you talk about it constantly as if to compensate for something. This becomes a giant red flag, suggesting you’d really like to use it. How safe do you think those closest to you feel when they believe you’re trigger happy? Holster that penis compensator and stop telling people about it. It’s there to help you defend yourself, not create fear in all of those around you that don’t seek to harm you. Besides, isn’t telling everyone you have a gun working against you? If I was looking to rob a joint, I’d take you out before trying to rob the place knowing that you’re carrying…not that I would do that, but you get what I’m saying.

He uses “male privilege” as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servant, makes all the big decisions, acts like the “master of the house”)

While this seems like something that should be dead and buried in the past, it is sadly alive and well. Generally speaking, if you feel you are in any way more important than someone else just because you’re a male, then you are simply wrong.

Loan Sharking

This is the act of doing something for someone with the intent of making them feel in debt to you. It could be something as simple as helping someone with carrying their grocery bags to the car before asking for their number. For the most part, this can be quite harmless and just a simple act of showing you are kind hearted or nice. However, the intent behind it could be considered manipulation if the only reason you did it was to get something in return. Think through your true intent behind your actions. Why are you really doing this kind act? Would you do it for everyone? Or just the good looking blonde with the great legs, and as soon as you get what you want the “kindness” ends? On a related note, no she doesn’t owe you anything for that meal you bought her. As a single man, I know all too well someone going out with you only for the free meal. It sucks. However, that doesn’t mean she owes you anything. I don’t care that she ordered the lobster and the most expensive wine on the menu….I’ll reiterate, SHE DOESN’T OWE YOU. I’ve since changed to doing nothing but coffee dates to save my bank account and eliminate those who only want to get a free meal, I suggest you do the same rather than demanding something physical in return. This too is a form of, “Loan Sharking”.

Typecasting

Typecasting is the act of labeling someone in a critical way in order to get them to prove otherwise. For example stating, “You’re probably too uptight to be with someone as free spirited as me”. This is yet another form of manipulation to get someone to do something they may not want to do. Like many things, it could be done in a harmless and playful way, or it could be done in a very manipulative way. It really comes down to intent.

I want to leave you with a two rules of thumb on how to gauge your actions when it comes to how to treat another human being. The first is known as the golden rule. It simply states, “Do unto others as you would want done unto you.” Don’t like people stalking you? Then don’t do it to someone else. Don’t like being talked down to? Then don’t do it to others. It’s a pretty simple concept and not hard to follow. It just takes thinking before doing.

The second rule of thumb is known as the rule of opposites. Simply, it states that if you think about the actions you are making and look at the opposite of that action, you should be able to clearly see if what you are doing is right or wrong. Here are a few examples:

Favorable: Respectful of privacy.
Unfavorable: Asking many unnecessary and intrusive questions.

Favorable: Stands at an appropriate distance.
Unfavorable: Stands uncomfortably close.

Favorable: Cares about your feelings and thoughts.
Unfavorable: Has no concerns about your feelings or thoughts.

Favorable: Thinks how his actions could affect you.
Unfavorable: Acts without care of how it could affect you.

As you can see, when you list the opposite of what you are doing, the answer of how to act smacks you right in the face!

To conclude, let me make a few things clear. While this article focuses a lot on opening men’s eyes to our mistakes, the general message is that we need to change our culture across the board, men and women. Being a man, I know what men need to change. While I’ve claimed numerous times to friends that I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, I really don’t feel like I’m in a position to tell women how to change and adjust what they do. So I’ll leave the female readers to discover for themselves what needs to be changed as I’m sure there are a few things that can be done to help lower harassment and abuse.

The one thing I can suggest to women is to attend ongoing self defense seminars or regular martial arts program. I can’t stress enough how dramatically this can change and empower one’s own life, no matter what your gender or age. The most common responses I get from people that don’t take classes are, “I can’t afford it” or, “I don’t have the time”. Sorry to be blunt here but, bull shit. Take an honest look at your expenses/income and schedule. For 95% of people, you’ll find ways to make it work. Treat this training as you would treat eating and sleep, and you’ll find the time and money you need to attend.

I don’t know what, if any change this will bring as most of us will read this and move right along without thought. It’s much easier to wait for someone else or authority figures to take the lead and make changes. I implore you though, if you want change, it has to come from you. The change has to start with a discussion, which I feel is slowly happening in the world at this moment, but the discussion must be towards the answers and corrections, not just at who is to blame.

As I mentioned above, what I have listed here is just the tip of the iceberg. Do you have more that you feel needs to be addressed and discussed or changed? I would love to see comments listed below this article or on social media. Don’t want to comment but agree with this article? Share it. Whether it’s sharing it on a social media site or sending it through email to a receptive ear (or eye as it may be) or simply bringing it up in conversation. It’s the only way things can be changed without complicated and ridiculous laws and policies that will undoubtedly lead to frustration and political strife, as with seemingly any issue that comes up these days.

So let’s make the change on our level, no one else’s. It’s time to be a better humans towards each other.