From across the dojang floor (dojang being the Korean word for martial arts training center) I hear, “ouch”, followed by, “oh, sorry”. Then shortly after, again, “ouch”, followed by, “sorry”. This ongoing verbalization of pain followed by an apology draws my attention. I’m now watching the culprits in question. One student applies a joint lock from their rank material they are practicing, the other student winces in pain audibly, and the inflictor of the joint lock quickly apologizes as the student pops back up in order to do it again gaining repetition. I stare in a state of confusion with my head tilted slightly to the side like a curious puppy. Throughout class, even with different training partners, this “wince” followed by an apology continues. This must be stopped. “Why are you saying, I’m sorry all the time”, I questioned. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was doing that”, the student responded. “You just apologized for apologizing”, I replied. “Oh, I’m a….I’m not going to say it, I’ll try not to. It just comes out all the time. I didn’t even realize I was doing it”, she answered.

“I’m Sorry”. One of the most pointless statements ever uttered in history of speech, and yet, the most used. Why? Does it fix anything? Does it undo that which you are apologizing for? Nope. We all apologize, it’s just second nature to do so when you believe something inconvenienced someone.

However, we are human, we make mistakes. We shouldn’t have to apologize for being human. If we did whatever we are apologizing for on purpose, then we clearly aren’t sorry and should accept that and change the habit moving forward, but again, saying, “sorry” doesn’t change that. It may seem like saying, “I’m sorry” is no big deal and won’t negatively affect your life….but it can. Especially if uttered so many times that you don’t even realize you are doing it.

I want to share with you a story of a student of mine, Jen, who was the student I was quoting at the onset of this article. She is not alone, however, as I’ve had many students over the years that apologize compulsively in class. I actually had to tell her and the other students that if I hear the words, “I’m sorry” at any of their testing’s, they won’t pass. But I digress, here is Jen’s story.

Jen came to me years ago, and like many students, was quite hesitant as martial arts training was well out of her comfort zone. Her comfort zone was working in front of a computer doing excellent design work. However, advancements in her career as well as advancements in class were seemingly just out of reach in her current mindset of apologizing for things she didn’t do wrong! I need my students to build confidence and a positive mindset. She took it to heart though and worked extremely hard to make changes. Not only did she take a HUGE step out of her comfort zone by taking a toast masters class, a class that teaches public speaking, but I saw her actively avert from apologizing during classes.

It has been a number of years since Jen first shyly walked into my studio, but all of her hard work paid off. Jen invited me to an event for her work where employees and their family and friends are invited. I wasn’t entirely sure what the event was or why I was invited, but shortly after I arrived, I understood why. Jen, in front of an auditorium full of people, took the stage to give a speech. Not just any speech, a speech on not saying sorry! She killed it! That was not the same person on that stage that first walked into my studio a few years back. I’ve had numerous proud moments as a martial arts instructor, most involved physical boundaries being broken such as breaking boards, competing, or watching a student earn a black belt, but the most pride comes when a student uses martial arts as a launching point to dramatically improve their life. It’s something that most non-martial artists won’t fully understand, but all long time practitioners realize, martial arts is life changing and goes far beyond punching and kicking.

I’ve seen a great change in Jen’s mind set, from apologizing for breathing the air near you, to being unapologetic for her gained confidence, career promotions and success.

It may not seem like saying, “I’m sorry” is a big issue, or may even feel like a good thing. However, it can negatively affect your life in unexpected ways. At best, it’s uttered so many times that it has no effect or significance for the recipient. At worst, it can be mentally demoralizing for the apologizer. Suggesting that things are constantly your fault, when they are not, and can bleed over into a lack of confidence and a negative outlook. Sadly, as a recent student pointed out to me, saying, “I’m sorry” is mandatory in some careers such as customer service representatives. It shouldn’t be, as I’ve always found hearing, “I’m sorry…” from a customer service rep who I’ve never met, to be condescending and scripted, but it’s not their fault as it’s their job, since our culture has been conditioned to say it and demand to hear it for some stupid reason. We demand our youth, upon being rude towards another, go apologize all while both still hold grudges and anger towards the other. It’s essentially a scapegoat to actually having to change your behavior as it’s quick and simple. Just what we love best in our culture, acting like we actually did something so that we don’t actually have to do anything.

Understand that the point of this article isn’t just to suggest to people to stop saying, “I’m sorry” or to be rude and unapologetic towards others. It’s about having an understanding of the meaning behind the words and actions we choose. Everything we say and do affects our mood and our lives. Know that there is a difference between being a nice person and a pushover. That line gets blurred quite often when it comes to people, such as myself, who truly want to please others. We can feel like saying no to something or not apologizing suggests we are not good people, and that just isn’t the case.

There is an example I give when teaching self-defense classes in which I cover not just the physical defenses, but personal boundaries and being taken advantage of. Let’s say you work in cubicle-land and a fellow employee states that their child is sick and they need to take off early to be with them, but they have to get a project done. So they come to you asking if you would be so kind as to finish the project for them so they can be with their sick child. What do you say? We people pleasers undoubtedly will say yes without hesitation. That’s fine, but what do you think will happen the next time their child is sick? Or some other emergency comes up? Who do you think they will go to? A different employee, or the one that helped them out last time? So it happens again, and again, and again. The next thing you know, you’re getting scolded by your boss for getting behind on your projects (due to having to do others work instead) and that other employee is getting a promotion for getting all of their projects done in a timely manner…thanks to you! While this may be an exaggerated example, I hope you get the general idea that you are being a push over and taken advantage of for being a nice person in this manner. So do we just say, “No! Your child is a little prick anyway and deserves to be sick!” Well of course not, but what we can do is say yes and be helpful while stating a clear boundary. State to the fellow employee that you can help them this one time, and one time only, if it’s a serious emergency, but not on a regular basis.

You’ve helped them, and you’ve set a clear boundary for future reference that they now know they shouldn’t cross, all while maintaining your, “niceness”! This is what I mean by choosing your words and actions carefully and to understand the effect they can have on you and others. So now, go forth, be nice, and yet completely unapologetic for setting personal boundaries to build your confidence, your career, and your quality of life.