It was my second year of running an after school program, and it was a very stressful year. Hands down the toughest year of being in business. I had a few kids that were difficult to deal with and little to no help. One day, I walked into the bathroom and immediately smelled something bad. I pinpointed that it was coming from the trashcan and assumed there was some food left in there over the weekend that had rotted. Mind you, at this time, I couldn’t afford a dumpster, so I put all trash in my car and drove it home. A few days later, I walked into the bathroom and, yet again, smelled something awful. Again, I took the trash home to place in my home dumpster. The following week, you guessed it, I once again walked into the bathroom and smelled something dreadful. This time I looked through the trash a bit noticing, what I told myself, was a chunk of chocolate thrown in the trash. This trash too, I took home. A few days later….again…an eye watering smell sucker punched me in the face. This time, there was no mistaking it. There was a giant turd sitting front and center in the trash can. Stop laughing! It was horrific and traumatic! I still see that corny, blackened, turd staring back at me in my nightmares!

Back to the story at hand. I had to find out who was doing this vicious atrocity. So, I proceeded to inspect the bathroom after every student exited. Sure enough, I found the culprit, I found the trashcan pooper! To protect this child, I will change his name to, “Lucifer”. When I confronted Lucifer, he denied it at first. Upon presenting the evidence and proof, he just smirked and looked away. I asked, “Why?!?!”, but he didn’t want to answer. With some poking and some prodding, I discovered the issue. I had been hit with a $300 plumbing bill from my landlord who claimed one of the tenants in the building flushed paper towels down the toilet and clogged everything. Therefore, to avoid more $300 plumbing bills, I put up a sign in the bathroom saying not to flush paper towels down the toilet. FYI – this same sign remains over one of the toilets at my studio to this day. This student, Lucifer, mistook paper towels as toilet paper on the sign and assumed he wasn’t supposed to flush toilet paper down the toilet. So he started off by throwing the used toilet paper in the trash. Eventually, he got tired of it and just started dropping deuces in the trashcan out of defiance.

During that same school year…as I mentioned, it was a soul crushing year…I began noticing wet spots every so often throughout the studio. In the corner, in the back room. In a dressing room. On the floor of the bathroom. Even in the lobby! All of which, when cleaning it up, didn’t seem to be water. Then I spotted a puddle in the trashcan. Then the plunger was filled, capped, and turn upside down. When I lifted it, it went all over the place. It was clear a child was urinating all over the place and getting more and more creative and sinister. After doing some research and talking to some parents, the culprit was found, but not without his most sinister peeing plan already in process. Again, to protect the child, we shall call him, “Satan’s Little Helper”. I discovered he had an issue with washing his hands. In his mind,he had to wash his hands because he touched the flusher on the toiler, not because he went to the bathroom. Therefore, if he didn’t pee in the toilet, then he didn’t have to touch the flusher, and in turn didn’t have to wash his hands. After sitting down and having a discussion on how his logic was slightly massively misguided, he understood that he needed to pee in the toilet AND wash his hands AND to stop peeing in random places. Issue solved. I washed my hands in victory! Only to wonder why the soap suddenly had a strange smell, and was excessively frothy….Satan’s Little Helpers last victim was the soap dispenser…and the numerous people who had used it over the past week…

The common thread between these stories is a lack of communication or miscommunication. So many issues arise due to a lack of communication skills in all areas of life, and martial arts is no different. I’ve learned to adjust the way I speak over the years depending on if I’m teaching children, teens, adults,etc., in order to communicate more effectively. While they don’t usually lead to poop in the trashcan or pee in the hand soap dispenser, it can impair ones training considerably. I once had a student who kept forgetting to pivot his foot to the outside before his kick. I would look at his material and the first critique I had for him every time was, “make sure and turn your foot outward for that kick”. His response was always, “yes sir”. Class after class I would look at his kick and every time I’d start by telling him the exact same thing about turning his foot outward. This was always replied with an acknowledging, “Yes Sir”. After about 2 months of this, and me getting frustrated that he clearly wasn’t even trying to fix the problem, I finally asked, “why aren’t you turning your foot outward? I’ve mentioned it every class for months now, but no adjustment. Why?” His response was, “I thought I was”. I was baffled. Upon further explaining and digging into the issue, I discovered he thought I was talking about his kicking foot while I was speaking about his base foot. After a short laugh and a sigh of relief that this student wasn’t hopeless or purposefully ignoring me, I thought about how I could clarify for future teaching. Since then, I’ve simply used the word, “Pivot” instead of, “Turn”. For adults, this makes more sense that it would be the base foot as you cannot pivot a foot off the ground. However, I discovered shortly after, that this doesn’t work for children as many don’t know what the word, “Pivot” means. So I had to go back to the word, “Turn” but with further information that included pointing towards or even touching their base foot. Over 20 years of teaching I’m still discovering new ways to better explain and communicate to my students, knowing that all age groups come with seemingly a different set of instructions on how to speak to and teach them. Even when I feel I’ve made things extremely clear, I’ve still noticed miscommunication. I can’t count how many times I’ve repeated a statement to a student, such as, “In this situation, ALWAYS step to the left, never to the right”, only to hear that student talk to another person and say, “My instructor says to ALWAYS step the right in this situation and never to the left”. In which case I face palm and walk away. I’m certain I have people who don’t know me that think I’m the worst instructor ever because of situations like this, hah!

As an instructor, one of the most frustrating things to deal with is watching a student leave and not know why. Were they upset with something? Did they not feel like they were getting what they wanted?Is there another student in class causing them problems? Can they no longer afford classes? Did their work schedule change? Many of these things can be dealt with, if we just knew about them. ALWAYS communicate with your instructor or trainer or coach when issues arise. Far too many times I’ve watched a student or client leave due to an issue that could easily be fixed. If we don’t know about it,we can’t fix it. Yes, it’s not always a comfortable discussion telling someone they are failing you to the point of wanting to leave, but most instructors I know can take it. Many times I’ve found that the issue was just a misunderstanding, other times it was something that was easily fixed. Occasionally, there was nothing that could be done, but at least there was some closure and understanding of what could lead to future issues with other students. I’ve made numerous changes to my system, payment options,schedule, etc., after listening to what students had to say. It’s critical for us to know if something is working well, so please, tell us!

While there are many things that can be done to help improve communication, I’ve narrowed down a handful of things that I hope will help, as they have helped me over the years. Mind you, this isn’t just related to martial arts, but to any time you want to communicate information to someone or learn from someone.

1. Active listening. Many people don’t listen well, and only wait for their turn to speak or interject.Interject by asking a question rather than a comment. However, in a class setting, make sure it’s a reasonable question worth interrupting. Despite what we were told growing up, there ARE such things as stupid questions. Essentially, if answering the question will gain you nothing, then don’t ask it. This sounds obvious, but I hear questions that people ask in which it’s clear they already know the answer or they are, in their mind, politely asking a question to undermine what you are teaching. Such as the impertinent, “What if” question that is clearly asked in the tone of, “I don’t think this works because my past instructor said something different”. If you truly have a question though, ask it, as there’s a good chance others have the same question.

2. Get to the point. This is one I still struggle with as I’m a story teller. I like to set up the “punchline” so to speak. So I get interrupted many times before I get to the point by those who couldn’t wait any longer. I’m the guy who sends multiple paragraphs through text. And since I refuse to bastardize the English language by typing “U” instead of “you” or by removing punctuation, it’s a safe bet my text will take many finger scrolls to finish. Unfortunately, this can lead to burying the real message and leaving the listener confused. However, too little information can also be an issue, so there is a fine line to walk. Get the point across and let their questions clarify the rest.

3. The rule of 3. As an instructor critiquing a student, I live by the rule of 3. As in, give no more than 3 things to work on (or 3 points of interested). Anything more than that and the listener is most likely going to forget. Some students can handle more, some less, but I always start with 3 and adjust from there. I’m certain this pertains to all information given to someone who isn’t writing down or recording the conversation. Oh, and ignore the fact that I have listed 6 points of interest in this article rather than 3. Refer to number 2 for the reasons why.

4. Repeat back and clarify. This is especially the case for my youth students, I have them repeat back to me what I just told them so that I know they both listened and understood what I said.I’ve found many times that I would tell a youth student something to adjust, give them time to adjust it while working with other students, then when I come back…they haven’t fixed a thing. I come to find out, they completely forgot everything I told them the second I left. So having them repeat back what was told of them has proven quite valuable. I’ve found myself doing the same thing on the other end knowing that my memory isn’t exactly stellar.

5. Avoid escalation. This isn’t just a good idea for communication, but a good idea for self-protection. Far too many simple arguments turn violent due to escalation. We have this tendency to want to be “above” the person we are arguing with or to prove we are right and they are wrong. They say something that is rude to us or attacks our being in some way. So in turn, we do the same in retaliation, but with a harsher statement or a louder voice. Then in turn, the other person does the same thing. Eventually, your voice and quick wit will hit a cap and you resort to slinging fists instead of insults. All of this can be avoided if you just stop caring about being insulted or defending your ego, and just let the other person be, “above” you. Let them get the last (or ideally, the only) insult in. Who cares? No one. But your face might when you can’t keep it closed and it gets closed for you. Let it go! Perfect your de-escalation techniques,your face will thank you.

6. Never say “always” or “never”. This is one the kids have forced me to learn. There are many times when I’ve said, “We’ll never do that” as I generalize a statement. And, of course, the kids will remember the word “never” more than any other word and call me out on it when we state an exception weeks later. I still catch myself about to say always or never, then quickly back it up and re-word my statement. Generally speaking, don’t speak in generalities. Be precise and don’t exaggerate. We all know a certain someone in a certain position of authority in a certain local country who likes to exaggerate and speak in generalities with no specifics and it makes this person look like an ignorant buffoon…but I digress. Be as specific and precise as possible when communicating.

Words can be powerful. They can paint a picture, they can infuse emotion, move markets, start wars, educate or simply put a smile on someone’s face. However, communication, while we all do it, can be quite difficult. Perfect your words, your gestures, your tone, and you’ll cleanly pass along your thoughts,ideas and information with as little misinformation as possible. If not, you may end up with a trashcan full of poop and a soap dispenser full of urine.