“Daniel…”, a light, slightly creepy, voice whispered from my closet in the middle of the night. I woke up. “Daniel…”, it whispered again. Doing my best impersonation of a bad horror flick, I got out of bed and walked towards the large double door closet where one door was slightly ajar and my name was being called. I fearlessly slide the door open and look up at the shelf that held numerous stuffed animals. All of the stuffed animals, led by an evil, yellow jump-suited knock off version of, “Chucky”, suddenly flew down at me all at once. They then grabbed me, lifting me up into the air and around the corner where they slammed and trapped me to the ceiling right in front of door to my room. I attempted to scream, but nothing came out. I was paralyzed with fear….

Let me back up a bit. It was Christmas time in the mid 80’s and I was about 6 years old. I had unwrapped a present from my grandmother. It was a doll. Not like a Barbie, more like a cabbage patch doll, but with more hair and more evil radiating from it. Yellow overalls, yellow stocking cap, thick crazy hair, and eyes that say, “I will murder you when you least expect it”. I hated that damn doll. But, like the good boy I was, I smiled and said thank you. When I got home, I placed it on the top shelf with a group of hand-me-down stuffed animals, like the brown teddy bear that was missing an eye and the crackerjack pretzel velcro doll that had its arms and legs tied in knots and stuffing coming out the sides. Don’t laugh, I was grateful! None of the stuffed animals/dolls bothered me, I mostly just kept them on the shelf if I recall. The yellow demon doll, on the other hand, taunted me.

The first paragraph, of course, was a nightmare I had as a child. A reoccurring one in fact. I had the exact same dream numerous times over. Eventually, after a few years, I finally got rid of that banana impersonating atrocity by selling it at my grandmother’s garage sale. The nightmares finally ended. I thought I had left that poltergeist version of Raggedy Andy behind me, until one day about 12 years later when I had stopped by to visit with a friend who had just returned from college. A friend who I didn’t meet until years after I sold that demon doll. I walked into her room and instantly had a sense of dread. I looked down to my left, and there sitting on a small bench was Beelzebub reincarnated dressed in yellow!

I held back my urge to punt that evil banana with eyes across the room as not to upset my friend. I calmly asked her, “Where did you get that doll”? She replied, “Oh, I got that years ago at some garage sale, I loved it and had to have it!” Apparently, she never had any horrible nightmares from the doll, nor any sense that it was going to stab her in her sleep. I was baffled. She actually loved the doll. How can this be? How can something that brought so much suffering and hellish nightmares and paranoia to one person, bring so much pleasure and comfort to another?

This question has plagued me for years. Why did I hate that doll so much? Why did someone else love it so much? Why do I have one youth student that can’t stand to be in class and begs his parents to quit every day, while I have another student who begs his parents to stay longer and go to more classes? Why do some people hate a martial arts style while loving another…when most martial arts teach the exact same thing and are only different in name? Why is it that many of the people I meet are
vehemently against training in martial arts, yet know nothing about it?

Most of us tend to have association with things that subconsciously decide what we like or dislike for us, and we just go with it. That child that hates coming to class and only does so because his parents feel he needs it? Maybe it’s the only time away from his parents during the day, and hate spending time away from them? Maybe it’s because it wasn’t his decision and he’s used to always doing what he wants and not what he’s told? Maybe he’s used to being rewarded without putting in effort and now he can’t automatically get what he wants (his new belt) without working hard?

Chances are, that child doesn’t even know why he hates it, he just does and that’s all that matters to him. We all have things that bug us, or that anger us, and people we just don’t like…but seemingly have no reason to feel the way we do. Do you know why you feel this way? Does holding onto this anger, fear or annoyance effect other aspects of your life? We all do this, some more than others. Most of us naturally dislike things that we aren’t apart of or that challenge our comfort zone. This is what holds us back from great experiences. We associate bad things with items or experiences that we are uncertain of. It’s very normal and instinctive to do so as it’s a survival mechanism to an extent. We need quick ways to determine friend from foe, food from poison, pet from predator. Like many things though, it’s not as needed much anymore to make these assumptions and categories.

As for that brightly colored Annabelle wannabee doll? Why did I hate it so much? Why did it give me so many nightmares, night terrors, insomnia, and sleep walking? Maybe it’s because that was my first Christmas without my mother and I projected my anger onto that doll and it came out in my nightmares? Maybe it’s because I watched the movie, “Child’s Play” numerous times over. Maybe it’s because I thought dolls were for girls and I didn’t want it. Or maybe, and this is the front runner, maybe the color yellow torments me and sends me into a violent rage and murderous path. I honestly don’t know. ….though I don’t recommend sneaking up on me while wearing yellow overalls, it could end badly.

There are titles, associations, and groups throughout all of civilization that categorize us quickly. This has been discussed as an evolutionary trait and necessity in many psychology and human behavior books. A teacher, a student, a man, a woman, rich, poor….the categories are endless. While categories are useful in some regards, they can be very damaging and full of incorrect assumptions. For most, “Teacher” is associated with intelligence and educated and wise. Yet, I could name a few that are far from all three of those, unfortunately. At the same time a, “Student” is generally seen as someone who is not as wise or
educated as the teacher…and again, I’ve seen the opposite be true on occasion.

And look no further than the news or social media to tell you EXACTLY who ALL Republicans and Democrats are with no exception….pause for eye rolls….point being, a title or category is what we use temporarily to understand another person, place or thing until we learn the details. Yet, this seems to be where many make mistakes. We seem to place someone or something into this category and never let them out, no matter what. Imagine how many relationships that happen and how many experiences and how much knowledge that is all bypassed due to these assumptions we have placed on everything.

I see this categorization in martial arts quite a bit. Not just on the students end either. It’s easy to see a person stop by the studio asking about classes and immediately make assumptions that they can’t afford classes or aren’t going to follow through or will be a star student. I’ve been guilty of this many times unfortunately. However, I’ve learned to try and not let it interfere with my meeting and discussion with them, as you never know. My initial instinct has been wrong just as many times as it’s been right. For students, I see them look at a technique I’m showing and I can see it on their face, “I can’t possibly do
that” or “that looks ridiculous, when would we ever use that?” Some move past this initial thought and learn to trust in what I’m telling them to do, some do not. Guess which ones succeed? Board breaking in martial arts is a prime example of this behavior. I’ll see a student attempt to do a board break for the first time and I can see it in their eyes, “This is too hard”, “I can’t break that”, “This is going to hurt”. Some push through and give it all they have and break the board, others let that board defeat them. They can smash the hand targets and heavy bags, but when they stand in front of that board, they barely tap it. The worst part is, it always hurts more when you don’t break it than when you do break it…so then the “this is going to hurt” thought becomes a reality…and the downward spiral begins. This all cold be avoided if they simply believed in themselves and their instructor, and put aside their assumptions.

In this same vein of placing things into categories with assumptions, I’ve had many prospective students stop by my studio and ask what classes I teach. Most don’t know much or anything about Hapkido or Gumdo, but when I mention Taekwondo, I sometimes get a negative reaction from that person. Sometimes, understandably, they’ve trained at another taekwondo school in the past and had a bad experience. Other times, they’ve, “heard” it’s a bad art. Sadly, there are a far too many bad taekwondo schools out there that create this assumption, but that doesn’t mean they all are this way or that it has anything to do with the art itself. No matter what I say, how many facts I present, or even if by chance they let me show them how incorrect they are, they simply refuse to believe it. Once that assumption and attachment has been made, it seems to be permanent in so many minds.

Years ago I had decided to start readjusting our Hapkido program. I moved some material around, added some things in, and started taking some things out. In particular, I removed a technique that I thought was pointless. It was a defense against a wrist grab in which you spin around, turning your back to your opponent, while grabbing their hand behind your back and torquing their wrist to take them down. It was a fun technique, but I thought it was ridiculous. Why would you ever choose to turn your back to an opponent just to do a wrist lock that could be applied without turning around? This seemed not only
ridiculous to me, but dangerous. So I removed it. I had made an assumption, albeit a subconscious one, that whoever designed this program didn’t know as much as I did…a clearly brilliant 20 something year old wannabee master martial artist.

Flash forward just a few months. I’m sparring with a student and on the ground. The student had taken my back. I couldn’t see what my hands were doing, but I could feel. I felt his grip holding my hand behind my back. Without even thinking, I applied that very wrist lock that I thought was ridiculous and undeserving of being in the system a few months early…the student flew off my back due to the wrist lock and the position reversed. Minutes later, I was re-editing my “new and improved” Hapkido program and putting everything back into the program that I had taken out. Not just that one defense. I had come to a realization. Not that I’m an idiot, that’s a given, but that my ignorance of the reason for the technique being in the program was what lead me to remove it, not my knowledge.

So if that was the case for one technique I removed, then maybe it’s true for the others I’ve removed. So instead of completely changing everything, I turned my attention to trying to understand why a technique could be useful rather than why it was useless. This one little mental switch changed everything about my martial arts training and how I view every other technique and style. If I don’t like something, or don’t see why it’s useful, I now assume it’s due to my own ignorance and not due to it being wrong.

It’s a simple change of mind. Yet…it’s not so simple. The thought of it is simple, but the action and training it requires is quite complex. I still fail at this on a regular basis. The biggest difference now though is that I know I’m failing, and consciously make an effort to fail less in this regard. So how do you actively work on this mental change? For starters, try something new. Specifically, something you don’t think you would like. Maybe you might like it, maybe you’ll prove yourself correct. Either way, you won’t be ignorant about the reasons anymore. Is there someone you hate? Take the time to learn about them. Take the time to hear or read about the good things, not just the bad. Why do they act the way they act? I’m a firm believer in that fact that no one is simply evil, but that their unflattering behavior was born out of necessity, or ignorance, or maybe out of their own misguided assumptions. Or maybe, you were only looking at the negative, and ignoring the positive.

Want a somewhat drastic change? I dare you to change your political affiliation to, “unaffiliated”. There’s few things that ignorantly categorize people than politics. I did so back in 2005 and it was quite possibly the most freeing thing I’ve ever done. I no longer felt the need to defend, “my guys” when they did something stupid. I soon accumulated my own ideas, thoughts, and philosophy on what I believed and how I should live my life. You wouldn’t think something so simple could change so much of who you are and how you react and listen and talk to others, but it does. Hate Taekwondo? Go sign up for some classes. *shameless plug* Stop by my studio to train and let me show you why you’re mistaken! Point being, allow yourself to change your mind. Rethink what you thought you knew. Look past the categories and titles we so instinctively place on people and things. Who knows, you may find out that Chucky is actually a Good Guy Doll.