One moment can last an eternity…

I looked up the word “Anger” on various online dictionaries. There are a multiple different definitions of “Anger”, but the one I liked the most came from wikipedia. It states, “Anger is an emotion related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied and a tendency to react through retaliation.” I liked this definition the best because of one word. Interpretation. This word tells us that we can change and control this emotion by the way we perceive and interpret situations.

Everyone enters martial arts for various reasons, and there are numerous benefits, including controlling anger. But like most any skill, it must be recognized and steps must be taken to improve it or nothing will change. And like with any skill, it’s an ongoing process that must be practiced regularly.

Most who know me, know that I am not quick to anger. Most, even close friends, have never seen me angry, or even upset. Despite what some may think, this is not because I am emotionless! I think the best way to explain my attitude when it comes to anger is best told in a story. I have only told this story to a couple people my entire life and that was after more than seven years of telling no one after the incident. I tell this story for two reasons, as a cautionary tale and as a form of therapy for myself as I have found telling the couple people I did, was extremely helpful.

As an avid baseball/softball player, I was highly competitive and didn’t take losing well. Even when our team won, if I had a poor performance, I was still upset. It was towards the end of the 2001 softball season and we were in the playoffs. Our team was quite dominant for a number of years and winning was the norm. We fully expected to win the league championship. During one of the playoff games one of my best friends, Andy, had come home to visit and was at the ballpark that day. I had known Andy since grade school, 5th grade to be exact. We were friends instantly when he transferred to our school and had stayed close friends for years until life sent us in different directions. I had only seen Andy a few times since high school, especially after he had moved to another town. So when I saw him at the ball fields watching us play, I was excited to catch up with him and see what he’d been up to the past couple years. Quickly though, my excitement turned to frustration, which turned to anger as I made one bad play after another on the field, culminating in losing the playoffs. As usual, when I played poorly or lost a game, I wanted nothing to do with anyone, I just wanted to go home and be alone. I was inconsolable. So after the game when Andy and I should have been heading out for a night on the town and catch up as good friends should, I instead was too overwhelmed with anger that I walked on past him and went straight home without so much as a goodbye. I’ll see him another time, I thought to myself. Unfortunately, a few days later, he decided to drive back home. During the drive back home his car went off the road and crashed. Andy died on August 1st, 2001.

It wasn’t the fact that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye that got to me. Most don’t get to say goodbye to friends and family when that day comes; it was the fact that I had the chance to say goodbye and I let anger take that from me. That same anger, as well as denial, also led me to avoid his funeral. I refused to believe that he had died. It had to be another Andy in that car accident, I told myself. To make matters worse, I blamed myself for his death for years, making the assumption that if I had stayed and spent time with him that day, I could have altered the outcome. Maybe he would have stayed longer, or left at a different time or even just had a different mindset to keep him on the road. Over time though I accepted that thinking that way wasn’t going to change anything for the better.

I still to this day have a reoccurring dream in which I’m talking to Andy. The location is different every time, but the situation is always the same. He walks in to the room, sits down with me and we talk. I ask his advice on things, he answers. You see, I looked up to Andy, more than any other friend I ever had. I always asked him questions. It was even Andy who told me about the birds and the bees! Hah! Quite shocking to a 10 year old! The dreams always ended the same way. With me realizing that he had died and asking him, “But I thought you were dead?” And he always replies, “I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” He was right. Even in death he was still teaching me life lessons. You see, from that point on, whenever I have ever gotten close to being angered or losing my cool, the first thought in my head is, “Is being angry over this really worth it?” And I’m instantly reminded of that event that happened over a decade ago. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’ve still had my slip ups, but I can count on one hand how many times I’ve lost my temper since that day…and that hand could be missing a few fingers.

My story is really no different than anyone else’s. The names and dates change, situations change, but the impact is the same. The feeling of anger is normal, it’s going to happen. It’s how we react that’s important, as it’s the reaction that we can control. Over the years I’ve found things that have worked for myself to control my temper. I have also searched around the internet and found some additional steps that can be taken to help control the temper. They are as follows:

Anger can, many times, come from ignorance ““ I see this happen quite often, a quick reaction to a small amount of information, or misinformation. Make sure you’re reaction to anger is warranted before you act! Like with nearly all conflicts, most situations can be dissolved through gaining more information and intelligence!

Deep breathing ““ This is widely known to lower blood pressure and has a calming effect on the body. Plus, focusing your attention on breathing takes your attention away from stewing in your anger!

Don’t hold it in, talk it out ““ There’s something magical about getting it all out. It just makes us feel better, even if the issue is never solved. Holding it in just causes us to stew over the issue and make it worse. Once we get it out, it tends to stay out. This also helps us control when we let out this emotion. Allowing it to come out in a proper way is quite healthy!

Use “I” instead of “you” ““ This is an extension of the previous “talk it out” suggestion. Using “you” implies it’s the other persons fault and can escalate a situation, where “I” is a bit more passive. For example: Use, “I feel frustrated when you don’t help me when I ask”, as opposed to, “You never help when I ask!”

Understand the situation from all angles ““ Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. More times than not, you’ll find that they acted the same way you would have acted. We all have our reasons for doing what we do and very few of us go out of our way to harm others intentionally.

Think positive ““ Think of an upcoming event you are looking forward to. For me, this is quite possibly the best way for myself to avoid anger, frustration and sadness. I work hard to set up something each and every week to look forward to. So when a situation arises that upsets me, I think of that event that I’ve been looking forward to, and it immediately changes my attitude.

Exercise ““ Who here didn’t think I was going to mention this one? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Beuller? I can throw down an entire list of things that exercise helps with when it comes to anger. From the mood enhancing hormones that are released to the feeling of accomplishment to simply keeping the mind occupied, the positives are numerous! If you haven’t figured it out by now, exercise is always the answer!

Last but not least, don’t wait for that life altering moment to begin your change! It seems as though this is the way most of us work, we wait for something to break before we fix it. Far too many clients come to me for fitness training AFTER their health has become an issue. Most women don’t take my women’s self defense class until AFTER they’ve been a victim or have been in a scary situation. The same is true for anger management; don’t wait until its court ordered, or when it’s forever scarred you. Start the process now! One moment can forever alter your life, it’s up to you to decide if it’s going to be negative or positive.